Everything came to a screeching halt.
Layer over layer over layer of resin had been strewn over several new photorealistic paintings. The fumes snuck up the nostrils, clouding thoughts + obscuring details.
Everything was so fluid. And then, it hardened. And everything came to a screeching halt.
As if all of my creative energy had been entombed in these experiments. I had no new ideas + no real desire to stir any up.
And then the scariest thing happened - I quit.
Not with any sort of sweeping declaration, but a quiet resignation in defeat.
The followers started dropping off, the drive to create disappeared + I started to believe that quiet voice of resignation as it fed me a constant stream of lies about my path.
Really, without any new ideas or desire to even complete what I'd started it was all to easy to believe.
I was convinced I wasn't talented enough, lucky enough, smart enough or hardworking enough to achieve the lofty goals I'd set two years ago.
Have you ever heard those voices? Gotten sucked up in that self doubt? Been frozen in terror that you're a fraud or destined for the worst this world has to offer?
Up until a couple of days ago I was completely convinced I had no business being in the art business. All the work that I had put in was for nothing + I needed to pivot to a job I fucking hated just to have the life I wanted.
I realized the only reason I haven't achieved what I set out to is because I've stood in my own way. There are plenty of artists in the world who have put in the work + sustained themselves financially + creatively.
Maybe the success is terrifying. Maybe the work is hard. Maybe showing up is scary.
But over the last weekend, in talking with a self made photographer, I realized it is all worth it so long as you're consistent + committed to making it all work.
This road is long, you end up in a forest looking at the trees + getting spooked by your own footsteps. But forging your own path is rarely easy. It takes fortitude, perseverance + some bravery.
If you're scared, I get it, but with action it'll get easier.